Chaos

This video is what Scott and I get to deal with every night at dinner. It's adorable but incredibly loud.

My life is such chaos right now. Ever since the girls have been able to move, I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. I'm running right to get Bailey from eating the crumbs off the kitchen floor. I'm running left to get Brynn to stop pulling Hannah's hair. Then I'm running again to stop Bailey and Brynn from pulling on the computer power cords, the dvd players (of which they've already broken one by pulling really hard on dvd slot), turning off and on the tv over and over again, all while Hannah is crying because she can't watch her favorite cartoons. I swear that child gets beaten up by her little sisters. She is constantly getting pinched or her hair pulled out in clumps (actually we all are).
(This is how the girls have to watch TV these days. Otherwise they turn it off or end up breaking a dvd player.)

Bailey has sort of become the "bully" of the girls. Not because she means to, but because she's bigger and stronger than Brynn. Brynn teases Bailey by holding out a toy or food for her to grab, but then she pulls it back just as Bailey is about to grab it. Bailey usually ends up getting it, though, which then makes Brynn angry. Because Bailey can pull herself up and can move more fluently, she ends up stepping on Brynn or sitting on her. Brynn's only defense is to bite. She's bitten Bailey's bare buns before, and yesterday she bit Bailey really hard on the arm in the bathtub. Poor thing. I felt so bad for her. I was expecting fighting between the girls, but not this early!

Brynn still scoots everywhere she goes. Sometimes I feel really bad for her because even though she's quick at it, she's not as quick as Bailey or Hannah. I'll leave the room for a few minutes. Hannah will follow and then Bailey will follow her. Poor Brynn is usually crying because she's left alone. By the time she scoots herself to me, I'm usually leaving the room again. Here's a cute little video, though. She came out of Hannah's room the other day, scooting along with these behind her. It reminded me of someone who comes out the bathroom with toilet paper stuck in their shoe.

It's not just the girls that cause chaos, though. My house is chaotic as well. I look around and think, "I can never get this ruddy thing clean!" Food and toys are everywhere! There are crumbs all over the floor and splatters of food on the kitchen wall........milk spills and sticky spots that I have no clue where they came from. GROSS!! I just can't stay on top of it. I've had to put a gate up in our kitchen entry way because the girls will go in the kitchen and eat the food off the floor before I get the chance to sweep it up.

And then I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Wow. I look like I live a chaotic life." Not feeling cute much these days. I don't take care of myself the way I would like to. As I've mentioned before, I usually have my hair pulled up in a ponytail (mostly because I don't like it to get pulled out by my girls) and I often don't bother to put on makeup. Since I quit the gym in May, I've gained a couple of pounds too. It doesn't surprise me. I ate like an absolute pig this summer. I guess my metabolism has slowed down with age.

It's not just the way I look, though. It's also the fact that I feel like my identity these days is just that I'm a mother. There's nothing else that identifies me. There's nothing wrong with being a mother (in fact, I love it). I do my best to be the best mother I can be. However, I don't really have any talents or hobbies that I'm interested in right now. I really feel that this is something that I need in order to be a better mother. I need to find something that I enjoy doing. I think sometimes stay at home mothers put so much of their time and energy into doing their best at taking care of their wee ones, that they forget to take care of themselves. Who in the heck am I right now? What do I like to do? I don't even know. My current "likes" are changing poo diapers and chasing after my kids all day.

So, here's what I want to do. I need to make goals for myself. The first goal I've got going on is to get myself back where I want to be physically. I started P90X, thanks to a friend who let us borrow it. I've started eating healthy again too (P.S. Why does healthy food have to taste so nasty? Why can't vegetables taste like chocolate?). There's just something about working out and eating healthy that already makes me feel more confident.

The second thing I need to do is find a hobby. I tried teaching myself the piano a couple of years ago, but since we've moved it's been in storage. One of my favorite hobbies is dancing, but I'm not sure where I can take a dance class at or if I could find time to do it. Hmmm.....what to do. I'll find something.

I just want to end with this reiteration. I think it's so important to take care of yourself as a mother. We need time to ourselves too. I hope this doesn't sound selfish, because if it ever came down to it, I'd do anything for my little stinkers. But I do think that in order for me to be the best mother that I can be, I need to remember who I am as a person. And I need to make my life a little less chaotic. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to do that.

In the meantime, here are some pictures of my delightfully delicious monsters. Oh how I love them. I could just squeeze them and kiss them all day long.

Although you can't see it, Bailey is putting a bow in Brynn's hair. So cute!